I really wish that I could be with the right person, but it seems I don't pick her. I'm back to what I like or what I seem to like. Surely beauty can be the path to love, but I seem to want the added complication of drama. I seem to want her to be difficult, call me crying, call me to use me, say she's going to delete her Facebook, send me odd-mails and texts that I can't understand, or ever fathom what she means half the time. I love that mystery, the not knowing what she's going to do or say. I'm not talking about one person when I say all of these things, but I am using specific examples in talking about women that I am attracted to.
Why isn't dependability attractive? Dependably random is what I like. You don't want me, you do, I never know. That's so attractive to me and that's not healthy maybe. But maybe that's just how it is. I don't always know how I feel about you either sometimes. I like being frustrated, that's intoxicating, but it wears me out. It feels like work. I think I would work, though, because I want someone, something going on in my life. Maybe I want the difficult because I don't want anyone steady in my life because it would be too much pressure. I want something that shouldn't work out because I don't feel worthy of it.
I want to be worthy of her or someone. I know some women who wouldn't be with me because I don't have any money or won't ever have a lot of it. Again, who knows, maybe I will have money; I certainly would like to have money and I think I could. I am a creative person with a large imagination. I could have a lot of money one day. But I had a woman tell me she wouldn't be with me because I didn't or wouldn't have money. I suppose that's fair. Financial security is important.
Perhaps my solution is to just make a lot of money. I don't think so, though. I'll find a way to be healthy in a relationship and let the money sort itself out.
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